While many parents anxiously await and prepare for their students to come home for fall/winter breaks, many of their students are thinking one thing: “I can’t wait to see my friends!” Welcome to the unaligned expectations of the parent-student relationship. To be sure, many look forward to family time. But there can be adjustments.
Here are some things to consider regarding the mindset of many students returning home:
1. Seeing friends matters for a number of reasons
It’s fun to reconnect. But students also have A LOT to share about the past several months, a lot to catch up on, and a lot to compare with others. It is through those comparisons that students assess and calibrate their own experiences against those of their peers. This can be reaffirming or can lead them to wonder if they are where they belong.
2. Students are happy to see you, but mostly, they are not thinking about you
Ouch. The family and others have made financial and other sacrifices, and this is how students show gratitude? Think of it this way: For many, this is the most dynamic and transformative experience of their lives. They are learning independence and autonomy, enjoying freedom, making memories, and are surrounded by fascinating people from very different backgrounds. Your updates on the neighbor’s dog may not be competitive.
3. Students are long-term tired
They have been “on” since the start of the semester. Academically, socially, and emotionally, there is a lot going on. Those who work may be especially stretched. Don’t be surprised if students sleep a lot, before heading out. It’s a good sign. It means they know, somewhere deep down, that they are safe and with people who will look after them for a little while.
4. Suddenly you aren’t so smart
Your days of having the first and final say on an array of topics may be over. Perhaps your religious, political, and social views may come under scrutiny and challenge. And warn Uncle Bob that he may need to bring his A-game to festivities too. Enjoy watching these transformations. Their minds are being opened. It is a good thing.
5. Some students are struggling with their identities
First-generation students might feel guilty for leaving the family or stretching resources. And they may be sensitive when challenged or characterized as being different now that they are in the higher education world. Seniors may be anxious about their futures and bristle at related questions. And some students are questioning or coming to terms with identities related to sexuality and gender.
What to do? Some tips to consider:
1. Modify your expectations
Knowing students are tired, distracted -- maybe a little less grateful than you’d like -- will take the sting out of all of it, if that happens. Corny as it seems, maybe set some expectations in advance. Simply ask how they see the break playing out and discuss specifics from there.
2. Listen
Hearing about this eccentric roommate, the quirky professor, and the funny antics of the quad may not be fascinating. But students are brimming with new experiences. Let them share. Listen intently and let them know that you appreciate hearing about these experiences.
3. Look for opportunities to help
Sure, sending them off with baked goods or a little pizza money is table stakes. But what do they really need from you? Try to offer expressions of pride, insightful questions about how they feel, and balanced questions about grades and adulting. And look for changes in behavior and mood and determine if these may be concerning.
One joy of sending students to college is seeing how they blossom from adolescents to adults. Enjoy these developmental changes as they unfold. It is all perfectly common!
About the author: David Tuttle spent over 30 years in higher education in Residential Life and Student Affairs. He has also sent four children to college. He may be contacted at dtuttletu@gmail.com.
